Long story short, there's a stored procedure in the SCCM database that does some bad math to calculate the uniqueness of a SMBIOS GUID. This had me stumped for a week, and finally found probably the only other person on the planet that was having the same problem. Problem solved by adding a few bits to 3 stored procedures.
This is a very helpful error message
Event Type: Error
Event Source: Service Control Manager
Event Category: None
Event ID: 7001
Time: 4:08:45 PM
The Microsoft Exchange Information Store service depends on the Microsoft Exchange System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following error:
The operation completed successfully.
Suse linux will be another free/cheap alternative to the Redmond behemoth's future offerings...